RELATIONSHIPS MATTER
Sandra A Doron LCSW

Dear Sandra:

I am very frustrated and angry at my husband. As soon as he walks in the door, he goes right to our children, kisses them, hugs them, and responds to their needs. I feel like a stranger in my own house. Although I live indoors, I might as well be living in a shed in the back of the house for all the attention he gives me.

Wish- I- Was- Noticed

Dear Wish- I –Was- Noticed:

Every person, whether in a couples relationship or any other type of relationship wants and needs to be acknowledged. Making your relationship with your spouse a priority is a gift to your children. There are a few reasons why partners do not acknowledge each other when they walk in the door: 1) they don’t know that this is important to their spouse 2) they don’t think it’s important to greet their partner 3) they are angry or irritated, or upset with their partners, and may be consciously or unconsciously avoiding them or ignoring them.

If you have not already done so, you may want to make some time to speak specifically to your husband about this issue, and ask him if he is aware that he does not greet you when he walks in the door. If he is angry or if you’ve had an argument the night before, or that morning, it may be helpful to agree to talk about that particular argument. Many couples find it helpful to address that particular argument with each other before going to sleep that same night. They agree to set aside 15 to 30 minutes before going to bed, and then to acknowledge one thing they did or said that was right, and take responsibility for one thing each said or did that was hurtful. If your husband does not think it’s important to greet you when he comes home, talking about this often gives each other an understanding of the other’s objections, which could be as simple as “I never did it when I was growing up in my parents’ home, and don’t understand why it’s so important to you.” He may also think that being with the children as soon as he walks in the door would be pleasing to you. It seems that if you speak about it with him, and convey your feelings openly and honestly, this issue could be resolved.

Sandra A Doron LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. She heads the A & A Couples Counseling Center— Appreciate and Accept—Keys to a Successful Relationship.